Your Third Birthday

Posted: 20170712 in Mason

Dear Mason,

You turn three-years-old next Thursday. I have no idea where the time went. It seems I have less and less time to do anything now-a-days. I always wake up in the mornings so tired, and I can never go to sleep at night. Today, I went to work from 8:30-5:30. Your mother and I dropped you off at daycare first. Some mornings are better than others for us. Today, you definitely didn’t want me to leave you. It makes me very sad leaving you with basically strangers for 9 hours everyday. It makes me sad and sacred. 

Scared because the world is a fucked up place. Kids get kidnapped from all over. Kids get hurt in all kind of crazy accidents. I just don’t know what I would do if something happened to you. 

Anyway, I worked at Minco all day, came home and gave you a bath, we had dinner and then I went back to Minco to work on your mother’s car a little. I stayed until 10pm, until Mommy texted me impatiently asking me to come home. She always says she has a hard time going to sleep without me home. Honestly, it’s a little aggravating. 

Sometimes in life, it doesn’t matter what you do. You just won’t be able to make everyone happy. It’s not that I don’t make your mom happy, I know she loves me. It’s just that I’m not out partying. I’m hardly making any money at all at Minco. I’m working a second job basically to make KLD work. Currently, it’s nothing. An empty trailer. She wants the extra money just like I do, but she just wants to spend time with me, too. I want to spend time with her and you. I miss you so much everyday. I don’t get to spend enough time with you. You’re hard to manage but I wouldn’t have it any other way. 

Jackie makes me feel bad sometimes. I know she doesn’t do it intentionally. She’s upset that I have to work, and she just wants to spend time with me. However, I get the impression that she wishes I wasn’t so ambitious. She gets mad that I “disappear” after dinner, that I want to go work on things after dinner. 

There’s no fucking time in life, Mason. There’s no fucking time to do anything. I can’t read books anymore. I can’t learn a second language. I wake up in the morning and it’s go, go, go. We get you ready. We leave for daycare. I go to work. Jackie goes to work, and it’s busy all day. 30 minutes for lunch. Come home, Jackie spends an hour cooking dinner. You get a bath. Sometimes we put you down first and then eat dinner. Either way, we blink and it’s 8:00pm. Monday through Friday. 

That’s when you can start doing things for yourself – 13 hours after you wake up. It’s 11:44pm now, Jackie’s asleep. I just didn’t accomplish shit today. 

I hope you can understand the importance of time. It’s easily more valuable than anything else on earth. A famous guy (Steve Jobs maybe) once said, “Use money to save time.” I always thought he was talking about being efficient in business. “Time is money” etc. etc. But I spend all my time trying to make money. 

The kicker is – I make shit for money. Again. I’m 33 years old and I feel like I have no fucking idea what I’m doing with my life or how I got here. I basically blinked and went from high school, flew through the Marine Corps like it was nothing, done with college, I’ve been out of the Marines for 6 years and had at least 5 jobs. 

I have no fucking retirement. I have $1900 in savings. (I’ve put all the money you’ve ever got into a savings account for you. It’s got $450 in it.) Your mother and I sold the house and made a bunch of money, just to pay off over $20,000 in credit cards. Somebody should really kick both our asses for that. Honestly, how stupid could we both be? I’ve owed on credit cards for the past 15 years straight. I’m done with them. 

I’ve wasted so much money on dumb shit in my life. The gun company I started is nonexistent. I’ve been thinking about closing it down. I’ve had about 17 vehicles that I’ve wasted no less than $100,000 on – including the piece of shit Dodge Ram that I bought from Louis four months ago and it still doesn’t run. 

Honestly, I’m really disappointed in myself. Mainly because I feel like I’m going backwards physically and mentally. I haven’t worked out in years, and I’m at the same dead end no-paying job I started in 2010. 

The older you get, the less time I have. Sometimes I’m not going to have all the answers and now is one of those times. 

I love you immensely. 



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