Archive for March, 2014

Dear journal,
Day 77. The crossfitters still do not realize I am not one of them. I have gained acceptance into their tribe. I spoke with several of them today in their local dialect. Their language is much like my own with the addition of acronyms pronounced as if they were words. The more I practice their religious dance, the better I get at it. The only down fall is that I must learn to stop eating junk food if I am ever going to challenge their leader to a dance off.



Dear journal,
Good news and bad news. The good news is that im done working out for the day and I broke my previous weight record for three repetitions by 30 pounds. I’m not sure if that’s a good achievement or if it makes me look like I was sandbagging this whole time. Today is Thursday and I’ve actually taken my lunch to work everyday this week. I have a new sweets addiction theory. More on that later. Let’s just say I will not be able to avoid Krispy Kreme’s drive through today like I have everyday this week. It has to do with cravings getting exponentially worse as time goes by. Today is day five without a green Monster energy or ice cream or French fries, etc.

What’s the bad news you ask? It’s now 8:38am and I’m driving as fast I can to Krispy Kreme. I feel like my boss will not be angry if I show up with chocolate with sprinkles. I feel like I won’t be angry anymore either. Note to self, 5 days is a PR.

Part 2
Dear journal,
I have expressed in the past, when I started CrossFit, that it was going to be difficult for me to check my ego at the door. I was previously in good shape and used to being in a top male tier. Now, I am lucky to be in a top female tier as evident today when all the girls in my class had 95 pounds on their deadlift and I had 75. Luckily, I switched my weights from 15’s to 25’s without anybody noticing. I raced a CrossFit girl today, and am proud to say I beat her. By 10 seconds of a 11 minute workout. As Vin Diesel says, “winning is winning. Doesn’t matter if it’s an inch or a mile.” Unfortunately, more girls post scores throughout the day, so I’m sure to get slaughtered by some of the more angry CF females. I’m not entirely sure of which planets these girls have come.

For the record, I’m guessing Venus.

Also, 20″ box jumps.


Dear journal,
I immediately regret the decisions I made last night. It seems the busier I am at work, the later I stay up on Facebook and the Chive. Therefore, I do not accept responsibility as usual and place blame on needy customers, internet memes and Caturday. Regardless, today’s workout was the Filthy Fifty. I was yet to experience this obstacle in my quest for psychical superiority. It started out like lots of WODs, 50 25″ box jumps. Next, 50 jumping pull-ups. However, the ’50s’ just kept on coming. Fifty 1 poop kettlebell swings. I never knew poop weighed so much. The 50 lunges inched by one at a time. The “50 knees to elbows” I thought was a typo, maybe tomorrow’s WOD that got added onto today’s. Then another fifty, push presses. The push press was 45# bar only, and I think that saved my life. The back extensions created a large hint of doubt that I’d finish fucking filthy fifty. The 20# wall balls confirmed that doubt. At number 35, I was at the end of all wall balls left in my system. I did 15 20# medicine ball front squats instead. Fifty burpees turned into 10 burpees and 40 push-ups. Fifty double unders turned into 150 singles. I sent the message to my legs to jump, but they would never get the message in time.

I shall increase sleep and food intake and double my efforts on WOD’s. Starting next week.


March 21st, 2014 WOD

Posted: 20140321 in News

Dear torture diary,
I managed to speak to three individuals yesterday about CrossFit. From what I understand, this further increases my cover story into the CrossFit world. Not by gaining knowledge from the actual conversation, but by bragging to as many strangers as possible. My mission, only 80 days old, has increased my confidence but also increased my ego. This is both good and bad. When I get famous from CrossFit, I promise I won’t forget everybody at the fake agency I made up for this journal. If they have a problem with my ego, they should do CrossFit instead of CouchFit.