Nature is Metal

Just a thought, guys…

Lucky me. I just woke up from a nightmare. All the cousin kids are here, sleep over down stairs. Uncle B and Aunt S are in town.

Anyway, recently I haven’t been able to stop thinking about nature could decide to take me at any moment. Statistically, probably by car crash. It could decide to take any of us at any time. By deciding, I mean nature is totally random. There is no rhyme or reason to any of this. People are insane. Animals are insane. They both attack for no reason sometimes. I always carry a gun simply because you never know when you’re going to encounter something or somebody that wants to kill you for no reason. Nature is brutal. Animals have no remorse or sympathy for killing the weak.

I’ve seen news stories, and that’s probably my main problem. I watch too much news. But, I’ve seen news stories of a random tree branch falling on a playground at a random school. Lands on a kid’s head. Coma for a month. Saw another article today, mother left her 18 month old baby in her crib and went a 10 day vacation to Puerto Rico. Baby was covered in urine and shit. Died of dehydration and starvation.

People kill each other by accident and on purpose by the millions each year. Cops get shot every day. Stores get robbed. My Uncle Jeffrey drowned in college. Nikki’s 2yo niece drowned in a pool. I’ve had a friend commit suicide. I’ve had half a dozen friends die on motorcycles. All my cousins and aunts and uncles and parents and grandparents are all dead or are dying one by one. Whether they are older than me or not. As I reach my mid-life crisis, I realize that none of us are going to get out of this life alive.

Last week, I had a co-worker named Brad at the state of Florida die of cancer at age 61. He’d been working for 40 years and hadn’t even retired. All that saving money and vacation days for nothing.

I grew up with my cousin Elizabeth O., and she’s got a daughter now named Sunley who’s probably six or eight. Sunley was born with a heart condition, and they didn’t expect her to live this long. It’s not exactly easy to find a heart transplant donor for a 6yo.

The anxiety of knowing that death is random and could happen to any of us at any time is almost paralyzing.

I just want you guys to know that if I die, or mom, or either of you kids die growing up, that we had it the easiest. What I mean is, take a small amount of comfort knowing that when you die, you don’t have to mourn the dead. You’re just dead. The survivors are the ones that have to cry about it for the rest of their lives. I also want you to realize, because I’ve asked myself this question a million times, that it doesn’t happen for a reason. I’ve thought, why me? Why did it have to be my friend that crashes or grandparent that got Covid and died? Why did my mom or dad have to be the one that dies in a car crash? Why does it have to be me that grows up without a dad?

There is no fucking reason. It’s all random. That’s the scariest part of all. Therefore, you’ve got to stay vigilant to give yourself and your family a fighting chance at the very least. Learn how to fight. Learn how to kill. Learn how to be a first responder. Learn first aid. Learn how to keep yourself and your family alive. Family is the most valuable thing in the world. That and time.

You can’t afford to be unprepared for the ONE TIME in your life that you’re literally fighting for your life or the life of a family member. If you’re fighting for your life more than once in a lifetime, you must really like to party.

To my lovely wife,

Hi dear. This is very late for your birthday, but I’ve been thinking I wanted to write you a note as part of your birthday present package. Besides, you probably won’t read this for a while anyway.

Lately, I’ve been sad at work and sad with KLD because things aren’t going very well. I laid all three of my guys off because they’ve been doing less than stellar. I’ve been sad at work because I’ve been bored. You know how I get whenever I’m not productive at all… With that said, I want you to know that you’re the sole reason I’m still hanging in there. Without sounding too cliché, I want you to know that you’re the best thing that has ever happened to me. You really are incredible in all the ways. You take care of me, you take care of the kids, you take care of the house and the cooking and cleaning, and you take care of the puppy. We would all be a mess without you.

The kids and I adore you. You’re an incredible mother and wife.

I love you.

Happy Birthday, Princess.

Happy birthday, princess! I think you had a great day today. I told you last night that it was your last day as a four-year-old, and that I was going to miss four-year-old Charlotte. 4yo was so wild and fun. I can’t wait to spend this year with you. You’re the best.

Love,

Dad

Work

So Daddy got a job with the state. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this in a previous post, but KLD was about to give me a heart attack. So I applied for a job at the state as a construction consultant and got it.

KLD is still kinda chugging along. I’ve got three guys working for me. One guy I’ve never even met. OJ isn’t perfect, but he’s been helping me a ton. He’s basically running everything for me. I do the estimates on the weekends, and he builds the decks. I just hope I can get it to last long enough that it’s profitable this year as a whole. Cause right now I’m like -$12,000 for the year.

The new job is fine. It’s a state job. I work around lots of professional people. It’s basically managing all the state’s construction projects around the state. It’s not super fast paced at all. Today, I basically just sat on my hands after lunch for a couple hours. It pays well and I’ve got great benefits, which your mother was super excited about.

Honestly, she doesn’t get enough credit for everything that I’ve been able to achieve. I never would have gotten this job without her. I never would have made it this far in life at all without her. Besides you two kids, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I can’t describe how much I love her. She’s been there for me time and time again, and she’s mostly responsible for how well this family is doing.

I’m positive that you guys will grow to adore her as much as I do. I can already see it in your faces here and there. I really love you guys, more than anything. I just wanted to write this quick note on a Tuesday night.

Love,

Dad

I hope this saves your life

One day…if you ever need it.

One day, a long time ago, in 2014, I was feeling pretty bad. Everything was going wrong, I felt, in my life. I was thinking that it would be easier to kill myself than to deal with fixing anything. I’m not entirely sure I could have gone through with it. I was sitting in our (Jackie and I’s) Ford Escape in the parking lot of the mall with a gun under the seat. All I could visual was somebody finding me, and Jackie finding out – the biggest thing was, she was pregnant with Mason. Even though I knew she loved me, I couldn’t help but try and think to rationalize it, that she’d eventually find someone else and be happy again. She’d hate me forever, but I kept thinking she’d eventually be happier not having to deal with me.

But the one thing that I just couldn’t live with is never knowing my first born. What to name you, what you’d be like – and how incredibly unfair and selfish it would be of me to make you grow up without a father.

It’s 9 years later, you’ll be 9 next month and these feelings never completely disappear. I can’t ever let you or Charlotte down – but I can’t help but wonder how many times I’d have killed myself these past years if it hadn’t of been for you two kids. You have no way of knowing how many times you’ve kept me from killing myself.

You might eventually know. If you ever find yourself in my position.

But right now, you’re the sweetest, kindest, smartest kids I’ve ever been around. You save me – all the time – and you don’t even know it. You’re just being yourself. Tonight, both of you laid in your bed and just hugged and snuggled and said the kindest, most loving things a parent could wish for – not knowing that that was exactly what I needed to have happen on this very night.

Sometimes, more regularly than you’re going to want, you’ll feel like life just isn’t worth living anymore. And you can think about that for countless hours until you’re incapable of functioning, that’s fine. But just remember how selfish it is. Remember that everybody else doesn’t die with you. Your mother and father (hopefully) and husband and wife and kids will still be here in this hell hole trying to make due without you. Even though you’ve got a life insurance policy, life will not be easier without you. It’ll be worse for everyone but you.

You kids saved my life again tonight. Just by being yourselves. Nine years old and four years old.

And I’m sure Jackie will read this at some point – honestly, you don’t deserve this. I know you’re happy to help and you’ll love me forever, no matter what. But I just can’t help but feel like you deserve better than me. I’m sorry you have to go through this.

I just can’t shake the tiny, nagging feeling that I’d be instantly better if I killed myself.

Nightmares

My nightmares have changed over the years. When I was younger, I used to have a reoccurring nightmare that I was hiding in a cabin, and a bear was trying to find me. I don’t know why. I guess I was really afraid of a bear attack? I’d had no experience of cabins or bears or being attacked by wildlife. But there I was, in a small, one-room cabin with a bear circling it. I’d always wake up about the time the bear stuck its head thru the window and saw me.

I haven’t had that nightmare in a long time. Probably because I finally realized that I could never see the bear’s face, and I started to realize early on, it was just a dream. Now that I’m 38, I guess I just have different nightmares. Now, it’s that I failed to teach anyone in my family how to use a tourniquet, and I slowly bleed to death. In their defense, it was my femoral. There’s no tourniquet-ing that. Let me explain.

I don’t remember the trauma at all. The dream starts with the tourniquets. I just remember trying to put a tourniquet high on my left leg and not being able to get it tight enough myself to stop the bleeding – so I slowly fell asleep. I remember yelling out to my wife that I loved her because I knew I was bleeding out. I don’t even know if she was there or not. I don’t really know where I was at or what I was doing. I just remember some people being there and having to tourniquet myself.

So that woke me up.

I took that as a wake up call – I’d better stop messing around and make sure everyone in my family can properly apply a tourniquet and knows when one is needed.

I do this thing now apparently where I have a nightmare about my friends and family that have died in the past. It happened with Cody Dickinson a couple weeks ago. After I woke up just now, I thought of Fritz. (It’s 3:52am) I don’t know if it’s related, if it’s why I had the dream in the first place or what. I don’t even know exactly why Fritz died, just that he rear-ended a semi-truck trailer on the interstate in the rain on the way to work one morning.

I apparently just made some connection in my head that anyone can have a car wreck and bleed out at anytime -and- Mason doesn’t know how to use a tourniquet so it might get me killed. I really need to stop slackin’ as a parent. He’s 8-years-old for crying out loud. It’s passed time for him to get paramedic certified.

I don’t know why I do this to myself. It’s not intentional, but it happens anyway. Maybe it’s just PTSD. Maybe the more friends and family that die, the more it affects me. It’s certainly changed my life. I sold my motorcycle and haven’t gotten another one after my sixth friend died on one. Ken Block just died on a snowmobile. He left behind a 16-year-old daughter.

I think it’s just that I’m getting older, and I don’t feel as invincible anymore. I’m not scared of dying. I am scared that I’ll fail my kids – meaning if I die, it’ll be 100% my fault for letting it happen and it’ll make them grow up without a father. I’m pretty much terrified of that. Missing their graduations, weddings, etc.

I just don’t understand. I don’t understand love or pain or fear. I don’t understand nightmares.

Jeffrey Johnston, Nov. 22, 1958 – May 17, 1982 (23)

Bob I. Kornegay, Dec. 1, 1923 – Aug. 24, 1993 (69)

Chris Kelly, May 31, 1983 – April 15, 2001 (17)

Matt Schommer, June 11, 1979 – Nov. 14, 2005 (26)

Murrel Kornegay, May 12, 1926 – July 24, 2009 (83)

Tim Fultz, July 21, 1969 – June 26, 2012 (42)

Andrew Davis, July 7, 1986 – Sept. 2, 2012 (26)

Jared Evelo, Sept. 23, 1982 – Nov. 16, 2013 (30)

Bill Atkinson, July 22, 1939 – Feb. 15, 2019 (79)

Josh O’Connell, April 28, 1983 – Oct. 28, 2019 (36)

Betty Johnston, Feb. 7, 1932 – April 7, 2020 (88)

Cody Dickinson, May 16, 1985 – May 6, 2020 (34)

Fritz Parman, April 5, 1962 – Oct. 29, 2021 (59)

2023

Hey guys,

I just wanted to say that I love you, and I hope you’re having a great 2023 so far. I think we are.

KLD has expanded to being a Florida certified residential contractor, we’re digging a giant hole for a $400k pool starting tomorrow, we’ve started clearing lots for people (one guy in Woodville so far), and there should be some great things to come this year. We finished last year with just over $500k in sales. I’d love it if we could hit a million dollars in sales this year. It’s probably not going to happen though because the economy is supposedly headed down the toilet now.

We’re building our first dock in the water in the next week or two. I’ve been doing pretty good with the decks. We’ve got a sunroom coming up in a couple of months too.

We got annual passes to Wild Adventures for Christmas from Grammie. I can’t wait to take you guys. We just got back from camping in New Orleans right after Christmas for a week. Man, was that an adventure haha. Never going back there!

I love you guys.

I Can’t Keep Up

The world is changing so fast, and I feel like I can’t keep up. I set an alarm on my phone to write one of these for you guys every Sunday at 8:30pm, and mainly I just ignore it because I’m too tired or already doing something else. Life is just a whirlwind. I can’t keep up with everything that’s going on. Work is fast paced and has so many variables. I basically just spend all day in my truck driving from job to job, or I’m at my computer doing paperwork all day. It’s hard work just because it’s too much to keep up with, and I feel like I’m always forgetting things.

I’ve been buying books for years, and I never read any of them. I’ll read a chapter or I won’t read any of it, and I’ll just leave it on my nightstand. At night, when I should be reading, I’ll turn the TV on instead. I really enjoy books, or I really enjoy having books, and I really enjoy working out and being in good shape, but I never do that either. I just pass by my weight bench in the shade and dont even look at it. I also really enjoy keeping up with the news, especially foreign affairs and new technology. This morning, I learned about an artificial intelligence website called OpenAI. I typed in a command, single sentence, and this is what it gave me.

Write my 8-year-old son a short story to teach him perseverance.

Once upon a time, there was a boy named Jack who wanted to be the best soccer player in the world. Every day he would practice his soccer skills in the park with his friends. He was determined to be the very best and worked hard to get better and better. One day, Jack was playing a game and he made a mistake. His team didn’t win, and he was really disappointed. He wanted to give up and quit, but his friends convinced him to keep trying. Jack knew that if he persevered, he could still reach his goal of becoming the best soccer player. So, Jack kept practicing, and his skills began to improve. Soon, he was playing better than ever before. His team won more games and Jack felt proud and accomplished. Jack had learned an important lesson: if you have a goal and you keep working hard, you can achieve it. Jack was now an example to all his friends. He had persevered and worked hard, and it had paid off. He was a testament to the power of perseverance.

I really feel like on the weekends, I have to sit and stare at a video game all day because it’s good for my mental health. I’m so busy and stressed out all week, that I really don’t want to do anything on the weekends, and that’s not fair to you guys or mom. There are lots of projects to be done around the house, I’m half way through building your tree house right now, and you guys get real bored and need something fun to do. Mason is quite alright with playing video games for eight hours on a Saturday, but Charlotte is not. She gets bored with too much screen time. And I’m not sure how great too much screen time is for kids. I think it’s probably detrimental in the long run.

Write a funny poem to my kids Mason and Charlotte about playing video games.

Mason and Charlotte, so young and so bright, Playing video games day and night, Your mom and dad, they have a fright, That one day you’ll stay up all night. Your thumbs get sore and eyes get strained, But you keep playing, it’s all the same, It’s your favorite thing and so you remain, And you will always be the gaming king and queen. Your parents are sad, but you don’t care, You keep playing, it’s all you dare, You’re so focused, it’s quite a stare, You’ll play until you can no longer bear. So keep playing my dear Mason and Charlotte, And try to be mindful of the time, Cause when the clock strikes midnight, You’ll have to put the controller down, in a trice.

I love you guys,

Dad

Core Memory

To Mason:

Last night, we had a little talk about the Tooth Fairy. It showed me how thoughtful and caring you are as a little boy. Your front tooth was barely hanging on by a thread. I did the ol’ Dad trick of ‘let me see it’ and *pop* it fell right out into my hand. It was pretty surprising to you because that was the first tooth that got snatched out, but you did great. It freaked you out at first and you started to quietly panic, but you came right back and got brave. Mom got you salt for some warm water and it stopped bleeding quickly.

Once you got over it, you were excited about getting it to the Tooth Fairy for some dollars. We talked about where to put it (in a Lego box vs. in the Lego Dinosaur’s mouth), but then you started to get sad. After a few minutes, you said that you didn’t want to give this one to the Tooth Fairy. You wanted to keep it instead so you’d always remember loosing your baby teeth. I could see that you were getting a little emotional, and that made me get a little bit emotional too. We talked about it for a minute. I told you a story about my granddad helping pull one of my teeth, and I remember being at his house in Crawfordville when I was your age. I said, I didn’t have any of my baby teeth anymore, and I’ll always remember that moment. I didn’t need the baby teeth to help me remember. You said that you’d always remember too and decided that it’d probably be best to just let the Tooth Fairy get it. She got all mommy and daddy’s teeth. She gets all your teeth and she’ll get all Charlotte’s too. Just like I’ll never forget my granddad and being at his house, I’ll never forget you loosing your teeth and helping you pull them. You’ll never forget either. I promise.

It’s moments like these that Dad’s live for. I’m making core memories at age 38.

Love you buddy.

HBD Mason

Happy birthday, buddy. Mom took the entire day off today, and I took off at noon to celebrate your birthday with just us three. We went to Chick-Fil-A for lunch and then to AMC to watch Minions: Rise of Gru at 1:30. After that, we picked up Charlotte, ran some errands and came home. Mom made a great steak dinner and then we played Fortnite together. We got 1st place two times in a row.

It’s really crazy going to the movies as a kid, and then going back to the same movie theater 25 years later with your 8 year old son. It makes me want to stop time. I know I say that all the time.

Your 7th year was incredible. We rode bikes, you lost teeth. You got straight A’s except for one B the entire year. You started BJJ and got a 2nd place. You jumped in the deep end and swam to the side of the pool. I could go on forever. I’m extremely proud of you, and super sad it’s over. Year 8 will be amazing, I love spending time with you. Honestly, you’re the absolute best. I can’t wait to do more things.

Love, Dad